The Zen Priest's Ass

THE ZEN PRIEST’S ASS     (rated pg-13)


The local zen priest entered his donkey in a race and it won. The priest was so

pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

ZEN PRIEST’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Zen Temple’s Head Monk was so upset with this kind of

publicity that he ordered the local priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline Read:

HEAD MONK SCRATCHES PRIEST’S ASS

This was too much for the Head Monk, so he ordered

the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a Zen nun in a

nearby temple also overseen by the Head Monk.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the

following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The head monk fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get

rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the head monk, so he ordered

the nun to buy back the Donkey and lead it to the

open country where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The head monk, totally losing equanimity, was hospitalized the next day.

The moral of the story is……. Being concerned about public opinion can

bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your life.


So be yourself and let your ass run free!

Hands palm to palm,
Shinzen

Zen Master Alfred

Next to Ikkyu and Bankei, I consider Alfred E. Neuman one of the greatest Zen Masters of all time. I do know he is fictional, but, well, aren't all of our story lines fictional?

What we tell ourselves about what has happened to 'us' is nothing more than a story fabricated from fractured memories, is it not? Think about it. Our ego makes up the stories where we are the hero, the villain, the victim and the trickster. It is all fictional. They are all fairy tales and cartoons in your head.

But don't let that disturb you too much. Master Neuman would just tell you to chill, have a good laugh and scratch your ass. I believe Ikkyu and Bankei would have read Mad Magazine and perhaps would even place a copy on their altars...or used it to stuff their zafus.

Master Neuman's greatest Koan is, "What, Me Worry?" Contemplate it and may it's teaching penetrate to the marrow of your bones.

Hands palm to palm,

Shinzen

Humor & Karate

The Buddhist Blog recently posted an article on Humor and Buddhism. I recommend you read it...which got me thinking about Humor and Karate. If you practice Karate, or any martial art for that matter, you will have moments that are hilarious for a variety of reasons.

One of my most memorable and funny, if not awkward moments, happened when I was a young Brown Belt. The year was about 1974 and one of Sensei Dean's Black Belts, David Rumpf, was doing a Karate demonstration in a town 45 minutes away. He was planning on opening a Dojo there. He invited me to come along and help.

Now, back in the 70's, the gear for martial artists wasn't exactly designed for our use. To use a protective cup, like the one in the photo, all you could do was slide it behind your jock strap. Nowadays there are pockets for them to slip into. Why would I mention this?

Well, to get to the moment. Sensei Rumpf and I were demonstrating how we do Kumite. Sensei Rumpf kicked me in the groin with a loud 'whump'. I stopped the action, shook my right leg, and my cup came sliding down my pant leg, making a grand appearance upon the gym floor. It was the loudest applause we got all night!

The next biggest applause was after I had to turn my back to the audience, undo my gi pants (traditional draw string) and replace the cup in its respective place. I turned and bowed. I believe Sensei Rumpf attracted a lot of students after that, but for probably all the wrong reasons.

How about you? We all have had some fun, and or awkward moments. I would love to hear about them, if you would care to share. Oh, yeah, never do a front snap kick standing on a small throw rug placed on a linoleum floor. They don't call them 'throw rugs' for a reason.

Love to hear from you,
Shinzen

Mindfulness, Cat Food and Coffee.

A senior teacher at a temple is teaching the monks when an earthquake hits. The teacher calmly gathers the panicking students and takes them to the kitchen, which is the strongest room in the building. When the earthquake stops, the teacher has a drink and says to the class: "Here you see the benefit of Zen training. While you students panicked, I was able to act logically and even enjoy a glass of water afterwards."

Student: "Teacher, that would be a convincing example except for the fact that you're drinking soy sauce!

I love this story. The above joke reminds me of one of my favorite Nonin stories involving mindfulness, cat food and the coffee grinder. During one retreat at the Nebraska Zen Center, Nonin was speaking about how such a wonderfully mindful and adept Zen teacher he is. He began to talk about how he came down to the kitchen of the temple to make his morning coffee. He was very tired and looking forward to a little caffeine pick-me-up. He likes fresh coffee so he poured his coffee beans into the grinder and turned it on. After a few moments he realized that he was not grinding beans. He had put cat food into his coffee grinder! Even Zen Masters have their moments.

What Nonin taught us more than anything was to laugh at ourselves and noone is exempt from being un-mindful, even Zen Masters. He noted he tried to recycle the cat food but Lola (the cat) didn't care much for the coffee flavor.

One more story for you to have a little laugh and think about:

A monk is walking back from a lecture at a distant temple and gets lost on the wrong side of the river. He needs to get across to get home but cannot find the bridge. Finally, he sees the Master who gave the lecture on the other side and yells out to him.

"Master, how do I get to the other side of the river."

The master replies: "Novice; you are on the other side of the river!"

Hands palm to palm

Shinzen